I often wish I could prank my husband, in an educational kinda way, to show him just how my day normally runs. It’s one thing to talk (moan) about it when he gets home, but you just can’t beat the real thing for impact.
But lacking the resources, time, energy, money, childcare, people power to do that, I shall have to make do with writing about it. So, honey, this is what your day at the office would look like, if it ran like mine…
So you’re in work ready for a brand new day! Feeling a tad faint, as you’ve been up for 2 hours now with no food, you decide you might just pop down to the canteen to get a bite of breakfast. Hmm, what to have?
“Whatcha doing??” Brian from accounts has just managed to squeeze himself between you and the food counter. “Ooo, that looks nice! Can I have some? Can I? Just a wee bit? Pleeease? I don’t want my muffin now, I want what you’ve got…”
You manage to disentangle yourself and move to the coffee machine.
“AAAAGH!!!!” Jesus Brian! What the hell?? I’ve got hot coffee here! “IJUSTDROPPEDMYMUFFINONTHEFLOOOOOOR!!!” Oh for the love of Pete….so pick it up!
Enter Sue from marketing.
”Hey! Why has Brian got a muffin? I want one too!”
Please, can I just have two minutes to eat something in peace before I pass out!
“Shut up Sue! You’re too fat to be eating muffins anyway!”
Brian! Don’t talk to Sue like that. Say you’re sorry right now.
“Waaaaaaaaaah! Brian called me fat! I hate my life!”
Oh for Christs sake…exit canteen with half a cold coffee and no food.
Tina from reception approaches your desk.
“Hi. Um, you might want to go and sort Brian out… He’s in the bathroom… He may have had an accident… He’s shouting your name…”
Great. You make your way to the bathroom to find the door closed. Brian?
“Don’t come in! OK, do come in, but DON’T LOOK AT ME! I’ve peed my pants. No I don’t want to take the wet pair off! I can’t. Can you do it? DON’T LOOK AT ME I SAID!”
Brian and Sue are making farting noises behind your desk. The incessant giggling is making you want to bash your brains out on your keyboard…
You just realise you’ve not peed for four hours and your bladder is about to explode. All is quiet, no one in sight, you make a dash for the toilet. Just as your ass hits the seat the scratching starts… It’s Sue trying to shove a piece of paper with HELP! and a stick man on fire drawn on it under the door. All goes quiet. You conclude your business and open the door only to find yourself nose to nose with Sue, looking for a hug. You get back to your desk to find Brian has spilled a box of paperclips all over it.
It’s already 11 am and you’ve only managed to get one of your jobs done. Your boss calls you into the conference room to watch a ‘Manual Handling’ video which you know is a load of arse but you’re happy to watch it anyway because it’s an opportunity to sit down and relax for 20 minutes. Two minutes in, Brian starts kicking the back of your seat and Sue is leaning all over you trying to ‘do’ your hair.
“Who’s the man with the box? What is he doing? What’s in the box? Where is he taking it? Why can’t he lift it? Superman could lift that easy. I love Superman. If you were a superhero, which one would you be?” Jesus Brian, shut up!!!!!!!!!
Tina is at reception crying and she won’t tell you why. But she won’t let you walk away either. You must try and guess what is wrong with Tina, and every time you get it wrong, she will cry even louder.
Tina is now roaring because Brian came over and shouted at her to shut up.
Tina has finally stopped crying because Brian came over and said he was sorry, and told her she didn’t smell.
Your boss has just told you that you need to work overtime tonight as your colleague has called in sick. Again. Now you want to cry, just like Tina.
The day is only half done and you’re feeling pretty tired and deflated. You take yourself down to the canteen only to find Brian, Sue and Tina are already there with a lovely lunch all laid out on the table for you. You guys! What a lovely thing to do! That’s made my da…. A huge dollop of trifle comes sailing through the air and hits Sue smack in the eye.