One of the biggest changes you will experience when having kids is the full on invasion of these little persons into every single aspect of your life.
At first it’s super cute; ‘Aw, look at the little babygro’s taking over the hotpress!’
Then it’s mildly intrusive; ‘Oh go on so, you can have the last bit of my tiny breakfast, even though you didn’t eat your own.’
Until finally, you arrive at your wits end, which is an actual place that exists on my toilet seat, rocking gently back and forth; ‘FOR F SAKE!! CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME TAKE A SH**? HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND ME HERE?? I’M TWO DOORS INTO AN EN-SUITE!’
Whether you like it or not, the age of sharing has arrived, and with it, a quiet resentment that seeps slowly into your general existence. So world, here are nine things I’ve decided I’m not bloody sharing anymore!
My bedroom. Unfortunately, the marital is located on the ground floor so it has started to become an extension of the girl’s play area. Lately, they have been rolling out Operation Bedroom Invasion into parental territory, their giveaway being the purple plastic keys left in our keyhole and digestive biscuit crumbs strewn about the hallway. Sorry girls – time to retreat.
My womb. As much as my eldest feels she has been given the wrong baby sister and should get another one instead, Mamma is closed for business!
Chocolate. I want my girls to be healthy so it’s my job to monitor their junk intake. I, on the other hand, can be as fat as I like, so I am done sharing my chocolate. And no more Mrs Nice Guy when someone says ‘Oh, do you mind if I take a wee bit?’ Yes I do! Just because I bought it doesn’t mean it’s calorie free – go get your own!!
Mother and child parking spaces. The next time I see a non-child carrying car parked in one of these spots outside Tesco, I am going to go into the customer service desk and ask them to put a call out for the owner of car reg. whatever, and when that person arrives I am going to ‘Shame! Shame! Shame!’ them with a hand bell until they move their vehicle. And this includes Mums that don’t have their kids with them – you of all people should know better!!!
My breakfast. I also am a human that requires food to survive, primarily to get your little butts through the day, so girls, eat your own damn breakfast! Or maybe I’ll start eating vegetables for breakfast and see if you still fancy pinching it then…?
My “Auto Space” – like body space, only in my car. Unless you are an ambulance, please stop driving up my arse. It’s not going to make me drive faster, it’s just going to annoy me, frustrate you and put my kids in danger when you plough into the back of me, so BACK OFF! Likewise, please stop parking on top of me; I have kids, a buggy and a sizeable frame to get in and out of my car.
My favourite cherry flavoured Carmex lip balm. All my pots are full of little index finger sized potholes from a four year old with a balm obsession. A higher shelf is going into the bathroom, possibly for snack storage also.
Wisdom. The kids never listen to me anyway, so let them figure it out on their own from now on.
The sweet spot on the couch. I’m old. I need it. The kids can sit on the floor. That is all.