As I was mooching through the magical land of Penneys the other day, I spied a new addition to their plan for world domination – a selection of ‘retro’ sweets. Cute little jars with mini scoops attached by a wee red ribbon, all filled with jellies from the past. What a lovely idea!
Or maybe not.
A few years back it was super cool to see all the sweet treats of my childhood making a revival. A sugary blast from the past in the form of a Refreshers sweet or a pink prawn. Oh my God, look! Dip-Dabs! Rainbow drops!!
Heartwarming trips down memory lane.
Weddings, birthdays, christenings, any special occasion started hopping on the trendy train providing sweet stalls for guests to pick ’n’ mix from to their heart’s content.
Total carnage ensued as grown-ups of a certain age over-indulged their inner child and let rip in ways they had only dreamed of in their youth!
Then the market flooded, and the novelty was lost.
Everywhere I turned there was a liquorice lace whipping me in the face. I became bloated with Flumps and Flying Saucers. Ye olde ‘Aunty’ this or ‘Granny’ that shoppes on every street corner invited me in to their floor boarded caverns of sugary treasures.
Suddenly the journey I had taken every Christmas with little Charlie Bucket and his golden ticket became tangible with the production of actual Wonka bars. And somehow, the magic was lost.
The retro sweet had become so common it was now current.
As much as I would love to buy up the sweet stashes I fantasised about as a child, as much as I am finally free of the parental constraints, I no longer have the stomach for it. My sweet-tooth days have passed me by.
And oh the irony tastes bitter in my mouth!
Maybe that’s it; maybe I am just bitter. I’m jealous of my kids chance to take their bite of the Apple Jack. I’m jealous of their ability to be 60% sugar.
Whatever it is, I’m done. It’s time for me to hand on the Wham baton to the next generation, to let them gorge with reckless abandon before the sugar police come for us all.
And hey; who wants to be retro anyway??